1
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SQUAWK!

2
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I love this environment.
I mean, it's great fun.

3
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The one thing everybody has in
common when they walk through that door is they love their animals.

4
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CHIRP!

5
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WOOF! WOOF!

6
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OINK!

7
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MOO!

8
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Most pet shops are quite loud
because they have birds in them.

9
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They're always sort of singing,
if you can call it singing.

10
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Um... And there's lots of cages.

11
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Um... And sometimes if you... you
can put your finger through the bar

12
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and tickle whatever's inside,
like a rabbit.

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At the end of the day, most of it's
the ooh-factor, the ah-factor.

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It's, "Ah, look at that," you know.
"Cute little kitten."

15
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It's awful to think
that we're sitting there,

16
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waiting for somebody to pluck us
out of...out of the air

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and take us home
and keep us for ever.

18
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Um... At the same time, I'm never
brave enough to make the first move

19
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and go up to somebody and say,
"Right, you.

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How about taking me home
and looking after me, loving me and cherishing me?"

21
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I think...yeah.
Go for things that are obvious.

22
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Dogs and cats, and the like.

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There's all sorts of people.
They have things in their bathrooms.

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Alligators, and that sort of thing.

25
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Wouldn't have it in my bathroom,
I can say. Ha!

26
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No, I wouldn't.

27
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He's called Chester,

28
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and he is very long
when he stretches himself out.

29
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If you annoy him,
his eyes sort of widen a bit.

30
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I don't think I'm awful-looking.
I think I'm alright-looking.

31
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Um... People always say that
I've got very open, honest eyes.

32
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So I think
I'd be pretty nice to have around,

33
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and have hanging about the place
on the sofa.

34
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I don't know.

35
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A lot of old nonsense,
I think, really.

36
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I mean, you need to spend proper
amounts of money on things but...

37
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You see some of these dogs
that people have about.

38
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No, you don't need to spend a lot.

39
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Dog toys? They love running
and fetching things.

40
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We've got balls on ropes. Lots of
dogs, especially the smaller dog,

41
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like a Yorkshire terrier, likes
a - (BALL SQUEAKS) - squeaky toy.

42
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SQUEAK!
That's a high-pitched one.

43
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Or just for a laugh,
we've got ones that'll go...

44
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BOIIIIIING!

45
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We went to a friend's last weekend
and...

46
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this poor little hamster's
in this wheel-thing.

47
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It had a little car.
It was a Volkswagen Beetle

48
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with a wheel in the middle.

49
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It actually, by working the wheel...

50
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..moved across the carpet.

51
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Poor old hamsters running round
on a wheel. Why do they do it?

52
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Because they're as daft
as a two-bob watch, I should think.

53
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Them poor bloody hamsters, thinking,

54
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"I could get out of here
in two minutes flat." Ha-ha!

55
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And then they find
they ain't going nowhere.

56
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Just like the rest of us.

57
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We're all on the bloody wheel
ourselves, aren't we?

58
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Dogs are just...stupid.

59
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(LAUGHS) Not as stupid
as stick insects,

60
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the most stupid creatures
in the world.

61
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"Look at me pretending to be a log!
Isn't that clever?"

62
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"Ooh, I'm a little twig.
Isn't that great?"

63
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Dogs are far better than that.

64
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I think cats make good pets.

65
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There's quite a lot of cats
with bad breath, though.

66
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That's what I don't like about them.
Cats? Yeah.

67
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I like stick insects. I had
a train journey, me and two stick insects. Brilliant!

68
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I know.
I'd very much like a stick insect,

69
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but not as
an intellectual conversationalist.

70
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I mean..."Hey,
have you seen my log impression?"

71
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"Yes." It doesn't go much further
than that.

72
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Stick insects don't have a developed
vocal tract. It wouldn't happen.

73
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I think, though, dogs are stupid.

74
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I don't really like snakes.
Spiders I can live with,

75
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but I've never touched a snake.

76
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I almost did, but no,
they're not our thing.

77
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I feel...isolated.

78
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I feel alone.

79
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I think I can hear something
scraping on the outside,

80
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and I don't know what it is.

81
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I... I'd like there to be someone
here with me.

82
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Snakes can be dangerous
to other pets.

83
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Um...
They can swallow things whole...

84
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..and they do eat mice
and small rodents...whole,

85
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without chewing.

86
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Now, I like the furries
and the tortoises.

87
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I've got tortoises.
I LOVE tortoises.

88
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They're still asleep at the moment.

89
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Sleep's really important to me.

90
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Um...

91
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I go through passages when I need
to have a lot of it. It's gorg-

92
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I mean, come on, it must be
in the top three of everybody's list.

93
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Your bed. You know, I mean,
top three, top two, top one.

94
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Maybe the top. My bed. Wow!

95
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Sometimes the pets,
when people are looking,

96
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will actually do something to say,

97
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"I'm the one you want."

98
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"Here I am. You want me. Have me!"

99
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It's like I've been sitting
on the bench with all my friends.

100
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It's like being at a dance.
One by one, somebody's come up

101
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and taken them away.
Then there's just me.

102
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How much am I worth?

103
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I would find it very hard
to put a value on that.

104
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On a good day, I'd say
that I'd be worth a fair lump sum.

105
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Do I say a million pounds,
or do I say ten million pounds?

106
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I don't think I'm that valuable.

107
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I think I'm worth about �142,
probably.

108
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At the end of the day,

109
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if you're the right person,
you can buy me for 10p.

110
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But the rest of the time, on days
when I'm feeling a bit grumpy,

111
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and I'm sort of er...
having an off day with people,

112
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and I'm not in
my normal, friendly state of mind,

113
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I wouldn't pay a penny for me.

114
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I'd throw me back
and choose another one.

115
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Ha-ha-ha!

116
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Could you put
a price ticket on yourself?

117
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No.

118
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No. Not at all.

119
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No.
I wouldn't even sell you.

120
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I wouldn't sell you either.

121
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Aw!
Aw!

122
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I don't know if I'd worry
about being left on the shelf.

123
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At the end of the day,

124
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I've come through many years
of being on my own

125
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and having a really great time.

126
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I think if I was on my own
I'd just continue to live life.

127
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If it was at this standard,
I couldn't complain.

128
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I've sort of been on and off
the shelf, as they say, really.

129
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There's been a time
when I thought I was on the shelf,

130
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and then I got took off again.

131
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Everyone gets rejection in life.

132
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When you're younger, you're more
able to cope with that I think,

133
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and bounce back and er...you know,

134
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you're not on the shelf for long.

135
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I know that...

136
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it will be OK in the end.

137
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But I am very pessimistic.

138
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Um... I think it's going to take
a long time

139
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before I get out of here.

140
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The icing on the cake would be
the partner or the companion

141
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who would be there with me
for the next number of years.

142
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And so I'm...nicely happy now
in my life...

143
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..having been took off the shelf.

144
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And that's, like, a nice family
that I'm in now.

145
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And that's
a very comfortable sort of feeling.

146
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Jill has a tendency,

147
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um...most mornings, actually,

148
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to claim that at some point
during the previous night,

149
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I farted very loudly.

150
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I think snakes and spiders
are more scared of you

151
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than you are of them.
Ssssss!

152
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I have a phobia of being shut
in an incredibly small space...

153
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with no light.

154
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My ultimate... I mean, the idea
of being buried alive with no space,

155
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in a box...

156
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Oh, man...

157
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Mmmm...

158
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Zzzz...

159
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